Why do we want to get points from our spouse? It’s one of those human nature things and isn’t a bad thing, it’s just about feeling that the other person values what we do and, most importantly, values what we do for them. Of course, you could say it’s childish to count points, but it’s also fun sometimes and you really need to look at it as a fun way of understanding our relationship.
Relationship expert John Gray talks about how men and women get points, or rather, give points differently. Obviously, this is a generality and does not apply to everyone, but it’s a good way to think about it and helps in your marriage, with your kids and at your job too. If you understand the other person may not give you points the same way you’d give them points, it will help in your life.
How do men count points?
So, how do men think they get points? Most men’s perception is that the number of points are relative to the size of the task or action. For example, a man would think that giving a card or a flower would give 1 point just like changing a light-bulb or giving a hug. Men think though that planing a great big vacation, getting a big raise, having a weekend getaway or buying a new car would give 100+ points!
What about women?
As far as women, they get points or give them one at a time. It doesn’t matter to them how big or small the task is, it’s always 1 point for each action or expression. This is why it’s sometimes difficult for women to understand why their man isn’t appreciative of all the things she does for him since men see those things as small insignificant things – of course it’s all affected by our mood and stress levels, so don’t take my word for it, check out John Gray‘s books.
How does that help you?
Well, for men, if you remember this tip, you can do things like get lots of points by doing something like: texting her you are leaving work (1p), finding her when you get home (1p), give her a hug (1p), a kiss (1p), say you love her (1p) and ask how her day was (1p)… when she talks, and you say “ooh” or “ahha” or “hmmm”, you get a point each time… so this is an easy way to get lots of points…
For women, it can help you to remember that little things are not as important to him and you can do the big things that matter to him you can keep your energy to focus on any other things you need to do. He will love you just as much if you do one big thing instead of 100 little things.
The Love Tank
This is also very closely related to the love tank which Gary Chapman talks about in his book The Five Love Languages where he says that that we are much more able to handle things that are not the way we want them when we feel loved. If you care about the way the toilet paper roll goes, it will not bother you on days you feel loved but it will drive you nuts on days you don’t feel loved.
When you get points, your love tanks fills up… so do what your spouse considers things to give you points and fill your love tank doing what your spouse loves you to do.
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